Hmmnnn... Kinda Like This Poetry Thing

Seaweed So Small

Out from the horizon, the sun finally appears

Taking away the darkness, taking away the tears

The night was long, hopefully I’ll sleep through the day

The hours will pass quicker, and the day will decay

 

Want to be at the beach, sitting on the sand

Or perhaps in the ocean, far away from land

I need to be grounded, I need to feel small

What happens in life, isn’t always my call

 

Maybe I’ll give my sleep deprivation some help

Have a drink, or two, and dream I’m kelp

Microscopic seaweed, floating in the vast blue

Aimlessly taken, flowing to find truth

 

This world is not my oyster, and I am not a pearl

Suddenly I don’t know what’s around me, my body begins to twirl

Taken into the mouth of a creature, it is so black

Waking up from my fantasy, I didn’t want to come back

2 a.m. a new poem...

 

Though not far, or maybe right here

The same feeling, always seems to appear

Whether I’m lost, or maybe I’m found

I know the highs and lows will eventually come around

 

Looking for stability, God gives me hope

Finding a purpose and reason, a reason to cope

A reason to cope with the pain that I feel inside

A reason to deal with the emptiness I subside

 

A reason to reach higher, higher than I can comprehend

Hoping to bridge a path, a path that is hard to mend

Hoping to abridge a path, one that I have left a stray

Here I am again, on my knees I pray

 

Appears to be a cycle Lord, one I don’t understand

Why do you keep protecting me? I definitely should be banned

Banned from your love, banned from your sacrifice

As much as I know what is right, I continue to entice

 

I entice those around me, leading them into sinful ways

Ready to be renewed, renewed to purify my future days

Though I have struggled, my road has been rough

It is time to focus on you, I have had enough

A Poem From The Past

Taken By the Current

Standing at the shore, I dreamt of one day meeting you

Though, so undeserving, I compare myself to the vast blue

Hoping for a miracle, wishing on a star

Possibly somewhere out there, possibly near, possibly far

 

How I got so lucky to finally see your face

Like the returning waves, once again, saved by His grace

Looking forward to the relationship we will develop, the one we will form

Anticipating being swept, swept far away by the storm

 

We are taken by the current, and begin to drift away

I am losing control, but at last, I’m okay

Taken to the depths, we are falling deep and fast

On my knees I’m praying, that our love will forever last

 

Never wanting to return back to the land

Never wanting to lose touch of your hand

Never looking back at the past I regret

Always looking forward to the future we have set

 

A Little on a Something I Probably Know Nothing About...

A Sleepless Night, That Didn’t Feel So Long…

Sometime, someday, it will happen again. Love will once again wonder my way. It will not pass me by. I will notice. Failed attempts from before, refusals of what I knew was there, and countless times of me questioning “why not?” will come to an end. An altered state of mind allows me to realize my losses. I sink deep into my emotions. I am alive. In the depth of my thoughts, no, the deepness of my heart and soul, I recognize a missing piece. A piece that shouldn’t be considered missing at the age of twenty-two, but its gone and very apparent.

 “Sitting, waiting, wishing” doesn’t seem to be enough right now. Not lonely, but memories of the world being lifted on a pedal stool echo in my mind. Days when I woke-up with energy from the thought of your face, your voice, your touch, and our future. Too young to truly appreciate what was real, too immature to take the right steps, and my biggest regret, too prideful to forgive. At the moment, I would do anything to be your everything. 

 Not the right time, nor the right place. Everything is wrong. How did I get here? One too many opportunities have taken place. My position right now is well deserved. I’m just here. Just being. Just going day-by-day, trying to figure out how to pass time, sleeping through days, and painting through nights. I’ve been up since 3 a.m. last night, “it’s 3 a.m. I must be lonely” lyrics just popped into my head. J I am not lonely though. No, I appreciated the feelings I had last night, but now the same emotions have lingered throughout my day. Time for the staggering feeling of not getting the attention I desire to vanish, please.

 Time to pray and go to bed.

The Next Day...

 Another Chance, Just Maybe…

Here it goes again, back around, “ring around the rosy…” Waiting for us to fall back down… I remind myself to take things slow. No pressure on the situation this time. No forcing circumstances. Just let things happen. I have a good feeling that they will. I have discovered that I do not feel the same way I used to. I do not experience the same emotions from the past. The rush is not really there. I have started to recognize why. This is no longer a new thing, it is not like when you are getting to know someone. We know far too much about each other, and everything in between. Four years back-and-fourth. This is not a challenge, I do not think of him and me like that, though it has seemed difficult. Our situation is comfortable.

We both know we could make each other happy in the long run. Our similarities and compatibility is far beyond most. Even our physical attraction to one another is different from the others. I think it is different. I can think back to the first few months we new each other. We saw nobody else that was “better looking,” we knew we were not the most beautiful people that existed, clearly, but some kind of shield was placed in both of us that wouldn’t let us think otherwise.

I am content right now. Right now I have Faith in Christ, and faith in us. Together the three of us will make the future what it was meant to be. Together. It’s all about timing. 

An Hour Run, One or Two Steps Ahead

The original plan… Beautiful day. Done with class early. Perfect. I’ll study for a few hours, and get caught-up on some class work, maybe even jump ahead. I’ll stop studying around 3:00, it is supposed to be 68 degrees (in January!) and I’ll go for an hour long run. I had downloaded Andy Stanley’s sermon about “Taking Responsibility” to my Ipod. I’ll get back around 4:15, start some laundry, take a shower, run by Express to get a new business outfit for my interview that I am super pumped about (happening tomorrow), and then meet Rachel at dinner for her birthday.

 12:30. I start studying. Two pages into where I had left off in “The Law of Public Communication” my phone rings, it’s the secretary for Grady College, apparently the department head of my major wants to have an appointment with me… Interesting… I had just passed her on my way out of class earlier. The secretary is always extremely friendly, but not much help to me when she said, “Dr. Holifield did not say why.”  Ok, no big deal. Fifteen minutes back into studying, my mind is seesawing back-and-fourth between why I need to see Dr. Holifield, and my interview.

 Concentrate. Hmnnn… Almost 1:00, against my better judgment, I decide it’s time to catch-up on “Days of Our Lives.” Okay, no longer my fault I’m not studying, yep, it’s my mother’s. If Mom had read me nursery rhymes at naptime, instead of watching “Days,” I’d be cruising through that law book. Lots has changed, Stefano is still evil.

 Finally run time. Warm-up song, I’ll start out with the Shakira song “Did It Again.” Apparently, I’m not the only one that makes mistakes. Then I will listen to my podcast. Correction, I will not be listening to my podcast. I did not save it properly to my Ipod. That’s okay. This wasn’t my first rodeo. Plenty of “Road to Recovery” mixes, not my first time “recovering” so to say, just my last. J

 As the lyrics of songs by Casting Crowns and Todd Agnew dance in my head, I am taken back by nature once again. On a normal day, I would say nature is my element, but I am not in my element today, I am in His. The lake looked as peaceful as usual, the trees as overbearing as normal, and the roots were still prepared to make me face-plant at any moment. Yes, sadly this has occurred on multiple occasions. But today feels different. My heart is beating fast, but my mind is at ease. I am breathing hard, but I am not exhausted. Lifehouse begins playing in my ears…

 “You calm the storms, and give me rest. You hold me in Your hands, You won’t let me fall. You steal my heart, and you take my breath away. Would you take me in, take me deeper now… How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You.”

 How have I let myself become so distant? I look around, there is nobody insight. But today feels different. I realize I am not alone. I am in a way, “moved,” I am at the hands of His mercy. I feel so small.

Still running… I slow down for a little girl and her mother. They are using the stack of tree limbs that someone strategically placed in the pathway to avoid a muddy area. It is not an easy task though. Luckily, I had already successfully crossed this obstacle twice today. I smiled as I watched the little girl tip-toeing on the branches, her mom was following behind her closely, her mom was barely grazing her shoulders with her hands. Finally almost clear of the mud, the little girl jumped to the nearest dry spot. I told her what a great job she did getting across the branches. She laughed and gazed up at me like little kids do when they see something so beautiful… Ha, JK, be humble Anna, be humble. But anyways, she looked at me with wide eyes and said, “That was hard!” Her excitement made her mom and I both laugh. We both continued are ways.

 As I watched her cross the milestone in her trail, I thought about my milestones. My situations are far different from crossing muddy water, but in a way they are just the same. I am also being challenged from getting to where I want to be. Something always seems to be slowing me down. I too want to shout, “This is hard!” But like the little girl’s mother, I too have someone looking down on me. I too have someone keeping there arms close by, just in case I happen to slip and fall. I too am just a small girl trying to find a way to the other side. 

K, people actually reading now!

So, I need to pay more attention to this Blog now, I have let five people know it exists... Thoughts recently... Everything will workout better than I deserve. The Lord is looking out for me once again. Yes, sadly enough, I do question why I am given all of these chances. I teeter-tot a fence of what is right and what is wrong. 

Yes, at the moment, I am ready to get tackled on the "right" side of that fence, and hopefully be handicapped there. At least until I realize paradise only exists on "that side of the fence." Anyone willing to handicap me on the "right side" will not have charges pressed against them. This is in writing.

 I will find my way eventually. While I was watching "Castle" last night I heard the quote, "Life never delivers anything you can't handle." There is so much truth in this episode comment. I believe I have heard Biblical quotes that have the same connotation. I think this holds true. Just when I think everything is too much, God sends me a relief, an elastic extension that allows me the time to get passed the pain I might be feeling at the moment. Though, I continuously question his kindness, I am gracious.

 Today is not a good day though, and it shouldn’t be. Someone finally made me realize that everything somehow going my way once again might ruin me. Can I really learn from the mistakes if the pain fades so quickly? I will not let it fade, I will learn.

On A Day Like Today...

On a day like today, something so small, or something that I normally take for granite, seemed to knock me off my feet. Whether it was a turtle poking its’ head out of the garden I passed, the pick-me-up song that just happened to come on the radio at the right moment, or a genuine comment made from a stranger, I felt relief. On a day like today, I took a moment to thank God for his grace. Are these small incidences a sign from God?

 I like to think so. God: A hero that is navigating people towards their home, helping out with tribulations along the route, and giving everyone someone to talk to when we are alone. He also gives us an excuse for things that don’t go our way. He allows us to sit back and say, “It wasn’t God’s will.” But He is not an excuse. He is the Savior, a “get out of jail free card” perhaps, and a life long companion. Though my strides are sometimes very short, His love stretches to an extent that is unfathomable. I will be there one day. I will swim in God’s ecstasy.

 For those who do not believe, why? One could give me scientific reasons to believe God does not exist. They could give me examples of failed prayers, but before I hear the “facts,” they need to give me a purpose. Give me a reason to stare at natures’ finest, give me a reason to have morals and values, and most of all give me a reason to live. Beliefs are hopes, hopes are will, will is power, and power is purpose.

Purpose: A reason to wake-up. I analyze myself. Where am I headed? On a day like today, I felt better than I had in a long time about waking-up. Today the sun shined with more intensity than I had seen in a while. The air was brisk, it had energy, it did not feel bitter like the previous January days. No, today was a good day.

 I took a stroll in downtown Athens. Downtown is so quaint when it is not flowing with the normal alcohol bound college students. Don’t get me wrong, forty-two bars in three streets has treated me well. I have been considered one of the “bar-hoppers” for the past three years, but today is different. On a day like today, I feel different, I feel renewed.

 I was sitting on a bench on Clayton Street, “people watching” I guess some would say, when I realized my first thought of today should be reevaluated. I should not have been asking myself where I am headed? I should not be trying to depict where I will be living, what age I want to have children, or for that matter who I will end up with? On a day like today, I am assured that everything will fall into place.

 An older women walked by me today, while I was sitting on the bench. She paused as she passed me and said, “Wow, God sure is letting you get some Vitamin D today, isn’t He?” I smiled back and replied, ”He sure is, and I will take as much as He will give me.”

 On a day like today… I started to see life a little differently, I smiled at everyone I passed, and for the first time in a while, I remembered to just breathe. Today was a good day.

Emo??? Haha

The First Real Post Of Me Today, A Little Darker, A Little More Edge, But Then Some Hope

“Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above.” -Gia

 Absolute highs and absolute lows, and every step in between. One day I’m up, one day I’m down. Life passes me by too quick, or way too slow. Never satisfied, what will it take? I live a life full of extremes. I live by impulse. Regrets? Maybe a few. A few seems to be growing recently. But few can say they have experienced what I have been through, what I have already done, or the possibilities that I have created for the future.

 At twenty-two, I can honestly say I have lived a life full of spontaneous adventures, interesting people, and emotional experiences that contrast greater than black and white. Barely surviving a car crash with two internal brain bleeds in 2004, or watching UGA beat Florida from the 40 yard line in 2007 (Go Dawgs!) are both unforgettable moments. :) Unforgettable is what I strive to be.

 Loved or hated? Few are indifferent. I think I like it that way. I don’t want to be someone that can just pass by. I want to exist, I want to impact, and most of all I want to BE PRESENT. I want to be noticed. Selfish? Yes. At this point, I know changes need to be made. I am ready to find the strength. Though, I know right from wrong, my decisions are not always guided by the knowledge that I possess.

 I have been challenging each day with one blind leap at a time. It is time for my actions, and most of all, my heart to reflect Christ. When my heart follows Christ, so will my behaviors. I am far away from being Holy, I am far away from being content, and I am far away from being okay. But I have hope, I have faith, and day-by-day I will achieve stability. I pray for more time to change, more time to leave an impression, and most of all more time to learn how to love.  

The Start of Something New

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Anna. I have taken a different route for the new year. Eleven days late, and I have decided I am looking for a brighter outlook on life. I have chosen this blog to help me. I have already acknowledged to myself that it will be a challenge to express my honest opinions and deepest thoughts, while knowing that Mama Gail will also be gazing at the same words I am typing right now. But a resolution is a resolution. While some of you resolutionists are trying to become “bikini ready,” get out of debt, or possibly find more time to spend with your family and friends, I am becoming a “blogger.” Whether anyone reads this, I do not care, I am officially a “blogger” now, and my hyperlink confirms it. I would first like to establish that this is not a typical blog, for me, this is self-medication.

 As I just stated this is a selfish blog, by creating and updating this blog I am hoping to gain some insightful knowledge on MY greater purpose in life. This is not for any of you. Ha, that sounded a little harsh. Not to say I wouldn’t be greatly appreciative of any comments (well, maybe just positive ones…) that any of you would have to offer me. Anyways, I am not going to layout a quick history or background of who I am, or how I came to be. I think that would qualify as being too provocative anyways! I would hate to be banned from my medication before my second dose. ;) But I will share some of my thoughts, favorite quotes, perhaps some song lyrics, and who knows I might even throw out a poem occasionally. The possibilities seem endless…